suits and hats

Remember the good old days, when all men wore suits? Everyone looked sharp, everyone looked dapper. Now what do we have, kids skulking about in hoodies and tracksuits, men wearing the new "weekend uniform" of t-shirt and jeans non-stop, all looking identical. A return to the days of yore, when all were smart and immaculate, would be so much better. Much more interesting and stylish. A good fitting suit is comfortable too, negating a frequent argument. Plus, a suit can make an average man look great and a great man look amazing, so there's few real downsides.

Another item which needs returning is hats. Not those disgusting baseball caps, but old-fashioned hats which men used to wear. Fedoras, bowler hats and hornburgs could all do with being seen again, as a cool accesory to a sharp suit. Keeps your head warm, your hair in place, and can signify emotions and feelings based on the angle it's worn at.

And walking sticks too. A good cane like contraption, topped in white metal with some form of crest. Could act as a useful weapon against attackers as well as looking good.

All the bees are dying. This is of course an immensely serious problem, as without bees, we have no honey. And without honey, what will bears eat? And if bears die, then who can we make into rugs? These are all concerns which arise from a lack of bees. Furthermore, without bees it becomes somewhat harder for flowers to pollinate, resulting in less pretty springs and summers. Saving the bees is of the utmost importance, and they must be maintained by any means necessary, whether every person goes out and buys a nest, or catches some and raises them like children. If the bees die out, that removes a huge part of the ecosystem. The consequences are dire. Without bees, plants begin to die out, Then animals. Last of all, at the top of the food chain, is us humans. If we don't save the bees, then we die.


Unfortunately we don't know what it is that is killing the bees. My personal view, they realise that Global Warming is now unstoppable (at about 375 co2 ppm in the air, 400ppm is the point of no return), they are fleeing this planet and heading off into space.

I live in London, the capital of the UK and one of the largest cities in the world. London has many exciting thrills to offer young people, with sightseeing, the West End and so on. Yet as someone from an Inner Borough, I haven't actually done many of those things. The groups of kids hanging around in the West End? Not me, I'll tell you that now. For whatever reason, my friends aren't too keen on the idea, it only seems to be those from the Outer Boroughs or even tourists who visit that part of London. So the other day, I was around my mate's house, we'll call him John, and we're just chatting and hanging about. Then I say "Hey, why don't we go out to the West End, y'know, hang out there like all those teenagers do?"
"Oh I don't know, it's mainly suburban kids isn't it?"
"Does that matter? It'll be fun! We can do all those sort of stereotypical Londony things!"
"Nah, doesn't appeal"
"Why not?"
"Not enough of us. Would just look gay with the two of us"
"We could invite others?"
"Maybe.."

on the phone.. "hey it's me. You guys up for going into London, seeing all the sights and having a fun day?"
"Piss off, we're not tourists" hangs up

Me and Liam go back to sitting around.

Time for me to begin drowning my sorrows I think. This once-great city, of which I was proud to call myself a member of, will soon become nothing more than the laughing stock of the whole world. A modern, diverse city, where people of all creeds and race could live alongside oneanother in harmony was suitably represented by Ken Livingstone, a socialist and social campaigner, who did his better to create a more egalitarian city.

However, those in the suburbs (who aren't true Londoners anyway) have elected in a dangerous right-wing buffoon, a man proven to have lied about affairs, a man who was sacked as a journalist for literally making up stories. A man who has been given everything he has ever wanted, without doing any work. A leftover of a shameful, class-driven chapter in our history, a Wodehousian caricature of everthing that is wrong with the Upper Class. An Old Etonian and Oxford boy whose hobbies in his youth involved prancing about in a ridiculous costume and attacking restaurants. A man whose casual racism has spread to equating everyone from Papua New Guinea with cannibalism and referred to Africans as "Picanninnies" with "Watermelon smiles". This man is now unofficially Mayor of London. In this role, I am sure we will have plenty of laughs. The "Gungadinks" with their corner shops, the "chicken eating sambos". All the qualities are present in this man to turn London into a joke, laughed at by the other major cities of this world.

To those in the Outer Boroughs who caused this with their incessant whinging about the Congestion Charage, a measure designed to reduce congestion and pollution, in doing so helping to save the planet, thank you. To those in the Inner Boroughs, we have once more proved ourselves to be far more enlightened and forward-looking, yet we were not enough. The ignorant hordes have won.

Goodnight Mr Livingstone. You served us well. Mr Johnson, I wish you no luck whatsoever.

It was another peaceful day on Salona Beach in San Diego County. The sun hung lazilly in the sky, basking the people below in delicious hot rays, tanning their skin and keeping them warm. 8 people practiced for a triathlon in the waters, enjoying themselves without a care in the world. For one of these swimmers however, today would be the end of it all.

For the first time in 50 years, a fatal shark attack ocurred in San Diego County waters. Widely believed to be a Great White, the swimmer was clamped legs-first into the shark's mouth, leaving huge bloody gashes in the legs, resulting in a death from blood loss.


This leads me to reports of other deaths from animals. Aside from the ordinary and expected attacks from creatures such as Lions, Tigers and Bears, there is a whole host of different, bloodthirsty animals out there ready to destroy people who get in there way. Hippopotami are famous for killing in Africa. Indeed, they kill more people than any other animal in the continent, with the exception of man. When someone goes out on the water at the wrong time, such as dawn/dusk, a hippopotamus may well be disturbed, charing out of the war, biting the boat in half and dragging the hapless travellers to the bottom of the lake. Thankfully, it isn't carniverous, so will merely let you drown rather than eating you.

Other deadly animals include female mosquites, which have killed at least 45 billion people, or half the amount that have ever died, through a host of deadly diseases, which includes, but is not limited to: yellow fever; dengue fever; elephantiasis; and of course malaria.

Cape Buffallo, with their razor-sharp horns and sheer mass, kill hundreds of people each year. Elephants, those cute grey lumps, kill at least 500 people each year. The Box Jellyfish has killed over 5500 since 1884.

Yet perhaps the most surpising killer animal is the ordinary marmot. Also known as the groundhog, this small, unassuming member of the squirrel family is know to tear apart and consume lost travellers in the mountains. It is beleved that they kill up to 3000 people in Austria alone each year. Of course, this is complete rubbish. Marmots kill in the similar method to mosquitos-by spreading disease. More specifically, Bubonic Plague, better known as the Black Death. All the Plague epidemics that occured in Europe came from Mongolian marmots spreading the disease with travlellers, and of course the Mongol Invaders of the 14th Century. At least 1 billion people have died from Marmots. So the next time your'e in Pennsylvania for Groundhog Day, keep well back from the murdering rodent.

Comrades! To Arms! The Revolution is coming, the Workers are throwing off the shackles of the Imperialist Capitalist State! Finally, those who opress the people will be overthrown, and our new society will arise from the ashes, with all men and women equal as one!

I'm referring of course, to today's National Strike by the National Union of Teachers. Now seeing as teachers are generally middle-class graduate professionals, they are not exactly "The Workers", but will this strike perhaps be a sign that the Government can no longer choose to give out pay rises as they wish, and instead be drawn back to the negotiating table to decide a fair amount? Unlikely. For one thing, it is an independant body which decides the pay rise, not the government. Second, it seems unlikely that a strike will resolve anything. Education isn't a money making operation for the Government-all a strike will do is make kids happy and parents annoyed (although if they direct the anger towards the government, it might help) and as it was only one Union which went on strike, chances are very little will result from this.

However, that does not detract from the true issue behind the strike. Despite 13 weeks of holidays, teaching remains an incredibly demanding profession. It is not easy to face classes of 30 kids every day, dealing with behavioural problems and targets, all whilst struggling on low pay and student debt. Teacher's pay needs to be brought into line with other graduate professions in order to boost both recruitment and retainment. I am entirely sure the country could do with loosing a few lawyers or city banks, and the benefits for society of extra teachers would far outweigh any financial loss to the government. Considering that I am the child of a teacher, I may perhaps be biased somewhat, but it still remains, that teachers play an incredibly important role in the development of the nation's youth. Therefore, they should be rewarded adequately for what they do.

Now my room seems to have similar properties to an oven, in that it gets boiling every night. So of course, I have to leave a window open. When I woke up this morning, I suddenly found myself a victim of a putrific stink whilst still in my own bed. Disgusting. Of course, I had no idea at the time what it was, and thinking it was my cat, had to search the whole room for the source. On leaving my house, I could still smell it. Getting paranoid now, I checked my shoes to make sure I hadn't stepped in anything, sniffed my clothes and so on. Really scared. Why is that guy looking at me? Do I smell???? Got to the train station..smell still there...oh no it must be me. What do I do? What do people do when they smell this bad?

Get on the train....smells gone. Breath a sigh of relief. Get off at the next station to transfer. Oh god the smell is here too!!! It has to be me. I need to call in sick, take a day off and scrub myself like there's no tomorrow. My friend Liam now comes walking up. I brace myself for an insult as to my present odour. Seeing my screwed up face, he remarks "Oh, I see you can smell it too. Apparently theres a massive stench across London." My face relaxes a little. "You mean to say, it's everywhere? Not restricted to 10 metres around me?" "Yup, everywhere. Don't know what it is though. Maybe something happened to the dump?"
"That must be it, yeah" (change of conversation ensues)

Later check the news. Apparently it's French farmers, spreading manure everywhere and the wind blowing it over. I've said it before and I'll say it again. They still want to invade.